Today’s Sarcasm: Re-writing the Intro Physics Book

Chapter 1: Vermin and Ribbits

Here are two important things you need to know. There are ribbits and vermin. Ribbits tell you how much. Vermins tell you how much and what direction. Through the whole semester, you will need to think about the difference between ribbits and vermin.

Chapter 2: Yolks and Whites

Here is an equation

Y = Q/ R … if I ask you for Average Yolk, please find Q, find R, and plug those numbers in for Y. Q and R are ribbits, so Average yolks are ribbits, too. Please note that Q = Q1 + Q2 + Q3… and R = R1+R2+R3+…

Here is another equation

W = (q1-q2) / R … if I ask you for Average Whites, please find q1, q2, and R and plug those into the equation for W. (q1-q1) is a vermin, so W is also a vermin.

Don’t confuse Yolks and Whites. This would be a very easy mistake to make. Remember that yolk is a ribbit, which is always positive, while Whites are called vermin, which could be positive or negative. The positive and negative tell you the direction of the vermin.

Chapter 3: Changing Whites

There are four equations relevant to this understanding changing whites.

Equation 1: q2 = q1 + wi u + 1/2 s u²

Equation 2: wf = wi + s u

Equation 3: wf² = wi² + 2 u (q2-q1)

Equation 4: q2 = q1 + (wi +wf)/2 * u

We call “s” the snappy-juice, and wi and wf the starting and final whites. Don’t confuse starting whites and final whites with average whites. Average white is an only average, but starting whites and final whites are instantaneous. Get it? Great.

If you notice, there are six different letters above. q2, q1, wi, wf, u, and s. These are the six quantities you are going to have to always think about and list. If you notice, each of the above equations is missing at least one of these six quantities.

Equation 1 is missing wf

Equation 2 is missing all q’s

Equation 3 is missing u

Equation 4 is missing s.

This makes life really easy. Anytime I ask you for something, just list the six quantities and write next to it what I’ve told you. If I didn’t tell you something, list that letter as well, but put a question mark next to it. Here’s what you should do next: find the equation that’s missing the letter you don’t know but I haven’t asked you for. Picking that equation will ensure you will have no trouble finding what I’ve asked. Please then manipulate that equation to isolate the quantity you don’t know but I’ve told you to find, and then plug in the values I’ve told you. Listen carefully  to what I’ve told you will be really important. If you don’t, how could you possibly pick the right equation? Get it? Good.

Footnote: Listing knowns and unknowns is an expert problem-solving strategy. It’s what all experts do. Ask an expert. If you ask them what they do, they will certainly say, “I list what I know and don’t know, before I start thinking or proceeding to do anything.” This is why we are training you to do this. Even if you never have to learn physics again, you will know how experts solve problems. This will be really beneficial to you in your life.

Chapter 4: A special case of changing whites

OK. When I say a problem is about funfare, you should know that the vermin of s is b = 42. B is merely the ribbit of the vermin. B, the vermin, always points down because the flabber due to the eagle is down.  B, the ribbit of the s vermin, is always +42, and it would be wrong to think of b as -42. Rather sometimes s will = -b and sometimes +b, but b is always 42. You will decide whether s = +b or s = -b, on your choice of whether up or down is the positive direction for vermin. Get it? Good.

Now you know how to solve funfare problems: just do the same thing you did in chapter 3, except you know that the ribbit of s is 42.

Footnote: You may be tempted to think that b is not always 42. That would be wrong, all funfare problems have b = 42.

3 thoughts on “Today’s Sarcasm: Re-writing the Intro Physics Book

Add yours

  1. This is fascinating…it reminds me a paragraph that is often emailed around to mimic what someone with Dyslexia might experience to give the reader some sympathy. Reading this (and resisting the urge to try and figure it out) might very well be what its like to read a physics book for many people. Presumably we (physics minded folks) should remember that we have been selected for and so our experiences and strengths and weaknesses have brought us to a place where this either makes more sense or enough pleasure to be worth pursuing in spite of the obscurity. I am forwarding this around.

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